The Indefinite Doors Tickle Some Keys
Last week the good doctor and I were discussing grammar, the use of articles in particular. He said that as a non-native English speaker, articles are his weak spot. I had thought articles were pretty straightforward: the indefinite for non-specific, the definite for specific. Tutoring ESL students, however, I had difficulty explaining when to use what as the instances and distinctions multiplied.
Defining has always troubled me. Ask me what a word means, and instead of a definition, I’ll give you several stories in which I’ve used the word, somebody else has used the word, when I first discovered the word, the origin of its formation and subsequent history if I know it, what color it is in my head, and how it makes me feel. It will be up to you to synthesize.
Or: once I told my mom there was something wrong with the air conditioner in my car.
She said, What’s wrong with it?
I told her, When I turn it to the first setting, it works just the same as when I have it off, but the second setting works as it always has.
So the first setting is broken, she said.
Right, I said.
(You might here envision Steve Martin in The Jerk describing in autistic detail what each previous day with his blonde love seemed like to him. This day was like a week, and the next day was like three days because…)
I told the good doctor I would find some article rules for him. From my first find, this one interests me: "the" is used if the speaker and the listener are thinking of the same person or thing.
This one requires some degree of telepathy in order to choose which article is appropriate. Some people are keen communicators, and some are not. How do you know? Frequently it happens where someone may be speaking of one door, but I am thinking of another, either because I am closest to it, I just used it, or my mind has wandered over to one in some town I visited when I was five years old. Tongue-tie syndrome awaits the speaker who considers the potential for such. Sometimes I am in sync with you; sometimes I am not, and vice versa. Which article to use. But worse, world wars could start because some slip in consciousness causes someone to use the wrong article.
The president stands at the podium and refers to the leader of the imps but instead meant a leader of the imps, and so the world phalanx disperses to attack the one that each assumed to be the leader in reference. In the end, all imp leaders are dead because one rule of grammar depended on a telepathy the world didn't share.
Or:
Q: Do you play the piano?
A: Yes, I play the piano.
Imagine all the pianos that could go unplayed by a potentially musical genius who answers as above, thinking all his life, because of grammatical confusion, that he had learned to play just the one piano. He's deathly allergic to the outdoors, and chances are that one piano will one day be dumped out the window of an unruly apartment ten stories up.
Do world leaders experience frequent and inconvenient slips of consciousness, too? I, as world leader, throw a brave fist in the air and shout, "The way we will achieve world peace is…(my thumbnail dammit needs clipping, my thigh itches, what labor did Hercules do first?, my brother’s birthday is next week)…as you leave, please use the door I came in." In which case you will be frisked and extinguished; the other door is risk-free. Everybody hangs.
Defining has always troubled me. Ask me what a word means, and instead of a definition, I’ll give you several stories in which I’ve used the word, somebody else has used the word, when I first discovered the word, the origin of its formation and subsequent history if I know it, what color it is in my head, and how it makes me feel. It will be up to you to synthesize.
Or: once I told my mom there was something wrong with the air conditioner in my car.
She said, What’s wrong with it?
I told her, When I turn it to the first setting, it works just the same as when I have it off, but the second setting works as it always has.
So the first setting is broken, she said.
Right, I said.
(You might here envision Steve Martin in The Jerk describing in autistic detail what each previous day with his blonde love seemed like to him. This day was like a week, and the next day was like three days because…)
I told the good doctor I would find some article rules for him. From my first find, this one interests me: "the" is used if the speaker and the listener are thinking of the same person or thing.
This one requires some degree of telepathy in order to choose which article is appropriate. Some people are keen communicators, and some are not. How do you know? Frequently it happens where someone may be speaking of one door, but I am thinking of another, either because I am closest to it, I just used it, or my mind has wandered over to one in some town I visited when I was five years old. Tongue-tie syndrome awaits the speaker who considers the potential for such. Sometimes I am in sync with you; sometimes I am not, and vice versa. Which article to use. But worse, world wars could start because some slip in consciousness causes someone to use the wrong article.
The president stands at the podium and refers to the leader of the imps but instead meant a leader of the imps, and so the world phalanx disperses to attack the one that each assumed to be the leader in reference. In the end, all imp leaders are dead because one rule of grammar depended on a telepathy the world didn't share.
Or:
Q: Do you play the piano?
A: Yes, I play the piano.
Imagine all the pianos that could go unplayed by a potentially musical genius who answers as above, thinking all his life, because of grammatical confusion, that he had learned to play just the one piano. He's deathly allergic to the outdoors, and chances are that one piano will one day be dumped out the window of an unruly apartment ten stories up.
Do world leaders experience frequent and inconvenient slips of consciousness, too? I, as world leader, throw a brave fist in the air and shout, "The way we will achieve world peace is…(my thumbnail dammit needs clipping, my thigh itches, what labor did Hercules do first?, my brother’s birthday is next week)…as you leave, please use the door I came in." In which case you will be frisked and extinguished; the other door is risk-free. Everybody hangs.
4 Comments:
world leaders, i think, are made of such. they have the responsibility to see the world in much vaster-if you can call them that--terms.
you make pee come out of me and wet my trousers. that is if i were wearing trousers. ok, ok, i am reading your blog in my underware. don't hassel me, its hot out.
transience--i don't know what else to say about world leaders. too many parameters and slips.
melissa--you're weird. i'm glad you feel comfortable enough here to be half-naked. i encourage it.
Ha, this will give me something to think about when I'm stuck in traffic. I must improve my communication skills!! I have also now just envisioned the Steve Martin scene of which you speak and will be giddy for the next hour.
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